Positive Parenting with Dr. Rokicki

Session is mainly for siblings : to prevent aggressive behavior 

Preventing aggressive behavior between siblings:

Behaviors:

• Constant arguing
• Name calling
• Excluding others
• Hurting
• Lashing out
• Pushing
• Refusing to share
• Refusing to take turns
• Arguing or bickering
• Teasing

Myths :

Siblings being siblings. Boys being boys.

Kids need to let out their aggression

It’s how they learn to Stand up for themselves

Why?

Unhelpful attitudes

Not being able to say what they want

Accidental rewards - giving them more attention when they’re doing something wrong.

Parents mimicking

No clear limits - they need to know rules

When they don’t know other ways to solve problems

Their way to get attention

Parents arguing . inconsistency between parents. Inconsistency from one parent.

jealousy

They will use it to get what they want 

Kids need to be able state their stand calmly, need to feel empathy.

Keep time samples / blocks - and tally every time a problem happens

How to compromise with others:

• Rules should be about what to do, not about what not to do.
• Be gentle, take turns
• Keep hands to yourself
• Rules apply to parents too
• Board games - common goal vs competition - both are good, cooperative play before competitive.
• Ask them about what they are doing. Give them praise when they are sharing or take turns.
• What is their problem, what they want, how can they compromise.

What rules you can have at home (positive - what to do)

• Be respectful - treating people how you like to be treated - how would you feel if he treated you that way. Speak in an indoor voice. 
• Be kind - 
• Be honest
• Be grateful
• Be responsible
• They need to know Which behaviors are okay when

Playing collaboratively:

• Disney land - 30 mins to wait out turn and do it willingly.
• Paleontologist - toys - keeper of tools - both are trying to do the same thing - 5 mins - swap.
• Get your child attention - ‘you are bickering’ - that’s not how we talk to each other and it’s not solving a problem. Brief and neutral - no accidental reward - quick and done.

Using directed discussion for conflict.

• M’s daughter runs away every time she is frustrated with something, M tells her it’s okay to be sad, but running away is not safe, mom wants to be safe - does not work for her
• Dr suggested she can instead of telling her what to do, ask her what their rule is was.
• There needs to be a consequence if rules are rejected all the time, like time out, like sitting next to parent, or leaving the area
• If a kid is pulling something out from another, take it give it back. 
• Remove the game for a while if both are not co-operating. 

Positive parenting takes paying attention and energy but it’s worthwhile.

Give them 5 sec to follow the rule - praise if they follow - else give consequence.

Ignore any complaints when giving consequence

If you take a toy away , give it back to them after the time out

Time outs work

Managing aggression

• Always act quickly and decisively
• Praise if they do as you ask
• Tell your child what the problem is and what the consequence is
• Two consequences for two kids in different places.
• No attention required

After time out ask them to rejoin activity

And then when they get to good behavior , praise as soon as possible

Works with older children as well ( works for 6 or 7 year old - you need to have some quiet time in your room )

What to do when your kid is fine and the other kid is not behaving?

• Tell her to tell the other kid ‘ no you can’t bite me’, ‘no you can’t hit me’
• Ask your kid to leave the situation
• Even turn down invitations 
• You are responsible for your body - you can even let your kid say ‘ I won’t play with you , you are not being respectable to my body’. Mom has modeled that language and given her that language to express.
• She used to say that with her kid - when her kid bonk on him “ It’s time out, you are not playing by the rules of my body”

Talk with your partner on how to work on a problem

• Sometimes you don’t know who caused trouble so give common advice and common consequences
• Don’t favor the younger 
• Step in before fights happen
• Don’t ignore children who are fighting v