Being offended and de-escalation levels

 Disclaimer : I have strong opinions and I get easily offended. I am only a learner when it comes to managing offending or being offended, but here's my learning that I wish to be able to follow myself.

So when someone get's offended there are a few things involved :

- Person 1

- Person 1's intention

- Person 1's words

- Person 1's bias

- Person 1's context about a current situation

- Person 1's mood

- Person 1's memory of history with Person 2

- Person 2

- Person 2's listening

- Person 2's interpretation

- Person 2's bias and triggers

- Person 2's mood

- Person 2's context about a current situation

- Person 2's memory of history with Person 1

We can find ourselves on either sides of this equation : Being the offender or the offended.

If we are emotionally intelligent there are a few things we aim for :

- We want peace. 

- We want to get things done. 

- We want to keep relationships. 

- We want to be aware of our bandwidth in life and our priorities.

- We want to be selective about how we use our energy.

- We want to be weighed in responses and know how to de-escalate.

- We want to learn to pause and respond instead of react.

If we want these here are some things to consider:

- Social media :

In social media, there are lot of people and things that can genuinely affect us and offend us. There are too many people with medieval thoughts and it's spreading yourself too thin if you try to have arguments with everyone there. It's better if you work on solutions instead of arguments. Keep away from social media. If you have to use it, keep your sphere of influence clean.

- People who you are close with who have medieval ideas :

It's often possible to find in families , especially from an older generation than yours - people who have medieval ideas. Some people may have harmful or limited ideas and it's not possible to talk to them or argue with them but as a person themself they may be a good person. It's not worth it trying to have meaningful dialogues when one is rigid. In these cases, take it lightly - just find the humor in it - and move on. Just don't take them too seriously.

- People who have different ideologies from you :

If you and a person you are close with have completely opposite ideologies and you are still able to respect each other's stance, that's a beautiful thing. It means you know how to respect differences and show tolerance. You can protect your boundaries , respect other's ideas, appreciate their expressions, keep your ideologies to yourself and maintain great relationships. Everyone you know does not have to be like you. You don't have to be like everyone you know.

- People who are saying something harmful :

You can always use opportunities that present to you, to call out conversations that are harmful. You can always be firm and not polite if that's what warranted for a situation. You can do this politely too, with a smile. Some people have limited ideas because they're conditioned and grown in that environment. If this is someone you respect, as a friend you are not here to just please them, you have the right to critique that thought.

- It's not easy being firm

It is very hard to show control. It is very hard to stick to what you know in your gut is right and still be polite and smiling when the whole world around you say otherwise. It is emotionally excruciating if you have people in your circle who sometimes turn toxic. It affects you whether you want it to or not. And that's okay. Being firm and polite is a sign of strength. 

- When you are offended

Always take a pause. Always try to assess where a person is coming from. Try to read their words and understand if maybe their words can mean something different to how you are interpreting it. Understand where you are coming from and what your triggers are. You can always state how you feel about a sentence and ask clarifying questions. Even if this person has a past with you that you don't remember favorably, try to see if maybe you have to decouple that memory from the current context. Also think about the relationship. 

- Talk to people when they're in a place they want to listen. Not when you are in a place where you want them to hear. 

- Few other tools that let us be emotionally intelligent.

Self awareness. Attention. Exercise and mindfulness absolutely helps put your mind in a clear state of mind. Humor and light-heartedness. Patience and pause. Appreciate things you don't understand. Learn this beautiful new word - Tolerance. Don't shut yourself - express yourself - refine your expression.

The best way to de-escalate something , is to not escalate it in the first place

After you've honestly analyzed the situation if there's something for you to apologize about , do it.

If there's nothing for you to apologize about, don't do it and free yourself from any unnecessary guilt.

Try talking to the person later on to clarify the situation and see if there's something you missed.

Give space and time and focus on other things. 

Learn about your insecurities and biases by asking yourself what offends you

When someone is being mean or is trying to threaten you, be brave. It's okay to lose your cool sometimes and just meet them at their level. It's OK.

My personal hardest difficulty - Not using cuss words.