Dear Zaaya
As you are about to be born and I've been given the opportunity to be your guide, I am going through an evaluation of many of my stances and opinions so I can give you the best of what I have.
You are your own soul. You will grow in a world that can evolve much different from the one I grew in. There will be things we will not agree on as there should be and hopefully there are also a lot of things we agree and share as well. Like Khalil Gibran's poem says you come from us but not of us.
I don't want you to be like us. I want you to be better than us as a human being and while you get there I want to bring to you the best we can for you to learn from. We want to protect you but also want you to know it's okay to make some inevitable mistakes that help you learn experientially the nature of life , on how to course correct and also for you to learn to protect yourself without other's support.
I want you to dream without limits, and I want you to think before you decide and make opinions. If you don't feel comfortable enough with decisions , I want you to learn that ambiguity is fine - that nothing is laid out perfect - that it's okay sometimes to just settle with 'I don't know'. I also want you to be fearlessly decisive when you know in your gut something is right or wrong.
I want you to be polite and firm with your stances, something even I am still learning to be.
Here in this post, without burdening you through the experiences that brought me to these opinions I'm going to share with you the opinions I have that are probably going to influence my parenting. You are always allowed to disagree, debate and oppose my views. Knowing my opinions might also help me to consciously introduce you to things that are outside my regular sphere of thoughts so you can have your fair share of experiences and come to your own opinions.
Relationships :
We all yearn for love. It's amazing to be loved and cared for. It is a blessing. A lot of importance is given to a partner and there's probably a reason for it - it's because this person is your choice. Not like your mom or dad - where we've already been chosen for you. Before you find this partner there are a lot of learning experiences you may go through - and some are worth it and some are not. What I'd like you to know is always love and respect yourself first, understand your principles - and try to never get someone who don't align with your principles. It takes time before you know if a person is what you think they are. Also, don't confuse principles with compatibilities. Principles are things like honesty, respect, world views, consent. Compatibilities - you don't have to be fully compatible - in fact it's good if you differ in some ways so you have new learnings and experiences. If there's a few things that can predict a good relationship - it's probably communication and de-escalation - how well can you express discomfort / anger and then move back to normal. Having a stable honest communicating partner saves a lot of energy in life and lets you live life instead of struggle with it. Monogamy is still something that has carried over all these generations because it works, is efficient , is peaceful and teaches you strong human traits.
The best chance you give yourself to finding a good partner is knowing clearly when someone is bad and stepping out of that equation asap no matter how hard it is. For ex, Dishonesty is ugly - never put up with this.
Sometimes we get into bad relationships quickly and take a lot of time with actually good people. So don't think about perfect - think about principles and everything else will fall in place.
Now a partner is not your only relationship. Partners can die, they can change - so the even better relationship for you to have is the one you have with yourself. Always be in a position where if everything you have externally is taken from you, you still have you who you can trust.
Have a support system - quality friends - find new people to meet , new things to do.
Also not everyone you thought you would have had a relationship with where it did not work out are bad people. Things don't work out always - even between two people who are respectful and have lovely happy memories. And that's actually beautiful - it's life teaching you how to rely more on yourself while cherishing things while they last. Always wish people from your past who taught you good things in life , well. The rest where you just feel bitter thinking about them - give space and move on to focus on the new happy things. That's all.
I'd like for you to feel like a princess like they show in the movies and like the real world mimics too. But in relationships, there will be times you will feel special and sometimes you won't. Don't make 'feeling special' an all-time priority. It does not work that way. Someone's making you feel special may be different from your rigid idea.
Religion and tolerance
Religion can encompass a lot of hypocrisy and conditioning. It can introduce biases and rigid thinking. It can be used as excuses. Religion can introduce denial as a coping mechanism - and I don't think that's great. Religion shifts responsibility from you to someone outside of you. Conditioning is a good tool for you to learn how to be a good person in the society but I don't want fear/conditioning the reason you develop morals - I would like you to just understand humanity for what it is and build morals because you see a purpose in it. Religion can also be a lot of fun. I will introduce you to whatever I can about religion - the stories, the cultures , the values. What I really want for you is to think well, experience people, and religions without bias but with caution. Not take sides based on things you don't fully understand. Stories and imagination are good for children. When you become an adult you should understand the difference between stories and reality.
I'm starting to see that if faith and religion is giving someone the comfort they need, it's just nicer to enjoy their process with them without questioning it as long as they don't try to tell you what you should believe. You can have your doubts and questions, but you don't have to discuss it with others.
Smoke, drink, weed
So these have all become common now. It's become a lot of people's idea of fun. It's become some people's idea for relaxation. It's also become some people's coping mechanism. And of course, peer pressure causes people to get introduced it.
Life is short. I would like for all of us to be healthy and strong minded. If something causes us sadness in our mind, we have the power to fix it in our mind and with informed help. Anything that relaxes temporarily does not solve root causes. Our body is our vehicle - the lungs our engine and when we get old, health is the only wealth to enjoy what's left of life. I think we should treat it respectfully and not fuel it with disrespectful things just because we want to fit in.
For people who think this is fun or social, I wish they have better imagination and wider exposure to all the things that the world has to offer.
There are actual medicinal solutions to problems that people who have learned, researched and got degrees can recommend if you need help - where the doc knows pros and cons.
I don't want you to judge others for what they do. I don't want you to have to hide if you feel the urge to involve in these things - I would like us to have a conversation, that's all - and just understand each other on why. Find some balance so I can be peaceful that you will be relatively healthy and know the extent of what you bring into your 24 hours and into your body.
Entertainment
Thankfully we have diverse entertainment now - you have equal women, different kinds of beauties, different stories, perspectives. Entertainment is usually harmless but it has subtle ways of introducing biases - so I want you to enjoy somethings but question some other things - misdirected humor, roles where women respect men or are subservient to men, unhealthy relationships sold as pureness, stereotypical beauty.
Don't get sold on being a princess that is taken care of OR just a mother OR just beautiful OR just rich. There will be phases of all that, but also be fierce, ambitious, resourceful , happy etc.
Also spend more time creating things than consuming things. And create with responsibility, please.
Diet
There are lions and deers in the jungles. They seek their nutrition based on their body's needs. We humans can be both vegetarians or non-vegetarians. We know being a non-vegetarian causes more hurt to another living being than eating vegetarian. Animals express and show love unlike plants. Plants also have the ability to grow back if yield is taken off them. Eating some animals and some plants produce a lot more green house gases and take more water than eating locally sourced food where ingredients don't have to be flown over countries. Also we are not hunters now like our ancestors were to get nutrition. We don't have to keep moving like they did. Our labor is not demanding or is mostly mental labor. I would like you to not judge other people's decisions or take moral high grounds. Based on what your lifestyle demands of you I want you to find your balance. I love meat but avoided non-veg for many years. Now as I'm pregnant and anemic I do eat meat, For 3 years before this, I was able to successfully avoid it. When I go to India, I do indulge rarely. I'm not perfect. You can choose to be perfect if you want to.
Read :)
Write :)
Exercise
Imagination , dreaming , visualizing
Try things and compete and fail
Sexuality :
For me and your dad, the fact that we can trust each other , talk to each other and respect each other was most important. Sexuality takes it's own time. I don't know how you will define sexuality. Growing where you are , you will have very different views about sexuality from what I had when I was young.
But from what I know, here are some things about your body - your body is not just a body, it is also made with hormones and emotions and memories. When you treat it with disrespect it not only affects your body, it can also affect all these other things. So give it a good diet so you can be happy and productive and thriving Vs sad and regretful.
It is my duty to protect you when your prefrontal cortex has still not evolved enough to understand people around you with harmful intentions. It is my duty to equip you to find how to get out of untrustworthy spaces as soon as possible. Your dad and I will do everything in our control to always be there for you and available for you to talk. We want you to have freedom but we might have more conversations than you are happy with :D to make sure we know you feel safe wherever you are.
That said, after you become an adult, just because we had unhealthy junk food once many years back, we don't have to let that useless memory make us feel guilty. Just poop that shit out and go exercise.
Your clothes - again this is your body , your choice. In your home, in a country like America - you are usually safe wearing what you want because this is the norm here - and people around you are used to and therefore don't see any difference whether you are in a swimming suit or are fully covered. But in other countries and even in America in certain areas and times, there are people who have a small brain and it's an unnecessary discomfort to have to deal with such people. Ideally I wish I could slap these people into senses, but for lack of bandwidth it's just easier to dress wisely according to context or just avoid places with stupid people instead of putting energy into avoiding assholes.
Also just like money, whether you like it not , the kind of clothes you wear have some power. And you can use that knowledge to your advantage. For ex, I saw a guy come in for an interview with a coat and tie and it was immediately impressive that he put in the effort to showing up like that - still the guy who got the job had more skills and was dressed casually. I'm just saying what you are in your core is your actual truth - but people's perception of you may be based on their biases/conditioning so you can question those useless biases if you have the bandwidth or choose to just play to it if it just makes things smoother.
Popularity / social media :
Popularity can accelerate things, but it is short lived and can be addicting. I will be proud of you if you can live a life, where when most of the external things are removed from you, you are still fulfilled.
Feminism
No one outside of you should define who you need to be or should not be. Feminism exists because far too many people think they can control what a woman should be or how far she should go, or what makes her a good woman or not, or what her career should be, her parenting should be, her clothes should be. Feminism exists so you can defend your boundaries, be better than these people and show them what true power is like by being everything a woman can be.
Also as women we should learn to respect other women's choices no matter how different they look from ours. We often don't do this or give other women a hard time.
You are a princess , a privileged princess
My tendency is to want to pour you with love because I know the few years of time I had with my mom gave me that and I hold on to it dearly. I will probably try to be just like my mom in some ways - she was ambitious, fierce, charismatic - and tried to be perfect both at home and at work. I might not be as perfect but I will try to be healthy so I can be there for you longer. I also want you to know that there are people out there who won't have the same opportunities you have. I want you to not take-for-granted what you have that others have to try harder for. I want you to use your privilege responsibly. I want you to know that in an ideal world I want to be able to share the same love I share with you with every child. I want you to not have it all easy. I want you to see challenges other kids see and be responsible.
Career
Sometimes you have to do work that you are not passionate about to get to a place you can enjoy work. Sometimes just having a break, some savings is good enough reason to find ways to do the mundane sincerely. I hope you can do more meaningful things sooner in life. Independence and self reliance and playing the cards you've got really well is more important than waiting for perfectly wrapped opportunities.
Nationality
It's too hard to paint a nation with a broad brush. In what's considered a conservative place, you might find a growing energy towards progress. In a place considered modern, you might see rigid ideas and little imagination. So the right thing for you to do is explore and define by yourself what works for you - and you can always find beauty anywhere. More than where you are, what you make of yourself - how you learn to be happy and human matters.
I'm listing things from my experience that were big changes between the two countries I've known. My experience is limited and even the generation 10 years younger than me are different from what I saw at their age, so this is just my understanding of what I like and dislike about these countries.
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